How do you process grief? "By running from it until it finds me in the middle of a sunny street on a beautiful day."

With all the beautiful things life has in the store with us, come the painful bits. One day, in one way or another, the absoluteness of death is something we must face. The loss of a loved one can come unannounced and the grief that follows might linger longer than we imagined. Maybe your friend, maybe someone from your family or even a familiar face you exchanged pleasantries with and said “Good morning!” to; the hurt of a loss catches us in different ways and changes us in uncertain amounts.

Though grief is not a linear process, but rather a complex and deeply personal journey, when we talk about grief, you might have heard of the stages of grief. Pioneering psychiatrist named Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced these stages in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. Each stage comes with its own challenges, Linda Pastan's poem "The Five Stages of Grief" beautifully captures how these stages unfold, giving us a window into the emotional complexity of loss. It’s like she’s walking us through the human experience of grief in a way that feels personal and relatable.

The Five Stages of Grief by Linda Pastan

The night I lost you
someone pointed me towards
the Five Stages of Grief
Go that way, they said,
it’s easy, like learning to climb
stairs after the amputation.
And so I climbed.
Denial was first.
I sat down at breakfast
carefully setting the table
for two. I passed you the toast—
you sat there. I passed
you the paper—you hid
behind it.
Anger seemed more familiar.
I burned the toast, snatched
the paper and read the headlines myself.
But they mentioned your departure,
and so I moved on to
Bargaining. What could I exchange
for you? The silence
after storms? My typing fingers?
Before I could decide, Depression
came puffing up, a poor relation
its suitcase tied together
with string. In the suitcase
were bandages for the eyes
and bottles of sleep. I slid
all the way down the stairs
feeling nothing.
And all the time Hope
flashed on and off
in defective neon.
Hope was a signpost pointing
straight in the air.
Hope was my uncle’s middle name,
he died of it.
After a year I am still climbing, though my feet slip
on your stone face.
The treeline
has long since disappeared;
green is a color
I have forgotten.
But now I see what I am climbing
towards: Acceptance
written in capital letters,
a special headline:
Acceptance
its name is in lights.
I struggle on,
waving and shouting.
Below, my whole life spreads its surf,
all the landscapes I’ve ever known
or dreamed of. Below
a fish jumps: the pulse
in your neck.
Acceptance. I finally
reach it.
But something is wrong.
Grief is a circular staircase.
I have lost you.

While the Kübler-Ross model has been influential and widely used, it is best understood as a framework for exploring grief rather than a definitive scientific explanation. It has been influential in both understanding and teaching about grief, but there are some considerations to keep in mind: Grief is non-linear, it is highly individualistic and the stages may not apply to everyone in the same way. Different cultures, personalities, and relationships can influence how someone experiences and processes grief. It's important to note that today’s understanding of grief emphasizes a more flexible and personalized approach, recognizing that everyone’s grieving process is unique.

There are different types of grief

Cleveland Clinic’s website gives description on different types of grief, these are Anticipatory grief, Abbreviated grief, Delayed grief, Inhibited grief, Cumulative grief and Collective grief.

• Anticipatory grief happens when we start grieving before a loss actually occurs, often seen in those caring for someone who is terminally ill, as they mentally prepare for the future.

• Abbreviated grief is a shorter, less intense form of mourning, often experienced when the loss is relatively minor or when individuals quickly adjust and move on.

• Delayed grief involves postponing the emotional response to a loss, which might occur due to immediate distractions or the overwhelming nature of the emotions.

• Inhibited grief is when someone suppresses or avoids their feelings, perhaps due to societal expectations or personal discomfort, leading to unexpressed and potentially unresolved sorrow.

• Cumulative grief occurs when multiple losses pile up over time, compounding the emotional burden and making it harder to process each loss individually.

• Finally, collective grief affects groups or communities, emerging after shared tragedies or large-scale events, as people mourn together and cope with the impact on a broader scale.

Grief can manifest in both emotional and physical ways

Emotionally, individuals might experience profound sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety, often accompanied by feelings of emptiness or numbness. Physically, grief can cause symptoms such as fatigue, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and physical aches or pains, like headaches or stomachaches. It’s also common to experience a weakened immune system, leading to frequent illnesses. It may also cause behavioral changes like confusion, trouble thinking or making decisions, feeling as if you’ve lost a sense of hope or direction...

Grief is inherently complex, but in certain circumstances, it can become even more challenging, evolving into what’s known as complicated or prolonged grief. This form of grief often involves extreme symptoms that interfere with daily life for an extended period. Complicated grief can arise from various types of grief, with factors such as absent grief, where a person shows no outward signs of mourning despite internal struggles, or ambiguous loss, where closure is lacking, such as with a missing person or a loved one who feels emotionally distant due to conditions like dementia. Disenfranchised grief occurs when society fails to recognize or validate the loss, making the griever feel isolated, as with the death of a pet or the loss of a same-sex partner. Traumatic grief combines the pain of loss with the impact of trauma, often resulting from sudden or violent deaths, natural disasters, or other horrific events, and may require treatment for both grief and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

“Grief can be considered complicated or prolonged when even a year after the loss you:

• Feel as if a part of yourself is lost or has died.

• Don’t believe that the death or loss has occurred.

• Avoid reminders of the death or loss.

• Experience intense emotional pain relating to the loss that interferes with daily living.

• Feel emotionally numb, lonely or as if your life doesn’t have meaning or purpose.

• Find it difficult to live life, make plans with friends, participate in activities you enjoy or make decisions for the future.” – Cleveland Clinic

Coping with grief is a deeply personal journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel and express a wide range of emotions, without rushing the process or forcing yourself to “move on” before you’re ready. Connecting with friends, family, or a support group can provide comfort and a sense of community, reminding you that you’re not alone. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being through self-care practices, like maintaining a routine, eating well, and getting enough rest, can also be incredibly helpful. Engaging in creative outlets, such as writing or drawing, can offer a therapeutic way to process your feelings, while finding meaningful ways to honor and remember your loved one can provide solace. If you find yourself struggling or if grief becomes overwhelming, seeking the guidance of a mental health professional can offer tailored support and coping strategies. Above all, be patient with yourself and recognize that healing takes time. Allow yourself to experience small moments of joy and peace, knowing that it’s okay to find relief amidst the sorrow.

References

Marie Curie. “Stages of Grief | Are the Five Stages of Grief True?” Marie Curie, Marie Curie, 7 Nov. 2022, www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/dealing-grief/stages-of-grief. Accessed 14 Sept. 2024.

Mayo Clinic. “What Is Grief?” Mayo Clinic, 19 Oct. 2016, www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief. Accessed 14 Sept. 2024.

“What Is Grief?” Cleveland Clinic, 2023, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief. Accessed 13 Sept. 2024.

Words, Christina’s. “The Five Stages of Grief” by Linda Pastan.” Words for the Year, 21 Jan. 2018, wordsfortheyear.com/2018/01/21/the-five-stages-of-grief-by-linda-pastan/. Accessed 13 Sept. 2024.